“Am I ready to leap?
Is there peace beneath the roar of the Forth Road Bridge?
On the Northern Side there’s a Fife of Mine,
And a boat in the port for me.
And fully clothed,
I float away.”
Floating in the Forth, Frightened Rabbit
April 15, 2008
****
Scott Hutchison died on May 9, 2018. His body was found in a nearby port after surveillance cameras caught the last glimpse of him walking towards the Forth Road Bridge. Between 2008 and 2018, Scott explored, through music, the various aspects of mental health. He was blunt and at times crude. However, he also examined softness and the intimacy of life; how meaning can exist wholly outside of oneself.
Before he passed, Scott tweeted out a message of wisdom and pain: “Be so good to everyone you love. It's not a given. I'm so annoyed that it's not. I didn't live by that standard, and it kills me. Please, hug your loved ones”
It feels like every week, if not every day, I am bombarded with messaging on what my health should look like. Social media is littered with posts of totally normal people (algorithm-hawked influencers) that boast of elaborate skin care routines, decadent meals, and endless fitness classes. News articles and ads proclaim that modern science has finally revealed the proper protocols and nutrients. Even podcasting, once an entirely boring pastime, is rife with hacks and “secrets”.
I care about my health, and I’m willing to invest money in specific tools and habits that will yield a positive health outcome. Heck, I’ll even shell out the $8 for tart cherry juice (not from concentrate) from time to time. Since I turned 18, exercise and being mindful of my diet have been top priorities for me. While I love to run, I love challenging my body more so. I believe that mental health is a topic that every person should reflect on on a weekly basis.
But Scott was pointing at something that they can’t sell us, but that we deeply need - true care. Since I was young, I have had a deep, adverse reaction to feeling excluded. I have not had a professional weigh-in on it, but I would guess it’s rooted somewhere in the combination of bullying I experienced both before and after moving schools when I was young. As I’ve grown older, my tolerance for people who exclude others has worn thin. About a year ago, I found myself reconciling with the feeling of being excluded from most of the major identities I held - in relationships, in my community, and at my workplace.
I’m writing this because I recognize that at some point over the last year, the aspect of health that I was not achieving was the level of care that I deserve. In all the areas I mentioned above, I felt excluded and unrecognized. I shared these feelings with others in those spaces; when behaviors or attitudes did not change, I took two actions.
I removed myself from an environment that was unsupportive. It might seem counter-productive, but the first thing I did was self-isolate from settings where I felt unseen. Doing so allowed me to focus on areas of my own life that I could nurture. It also stopped the repeated hurt of feeling like an outsider.
I started calling family… a lot. In turning inward, I also needed to turn to the people who know me the most in the world. So, I started calling home a few times a week. I would call my parents. I would call my sister. If you know me, you would know that this was a real sign of necessity - I’m not a talker. However, when I called, regardless of the topic or the length of the conversation, I was content because I was heard.
Today, I’ve found new places where I feel cared for, and I’m still struggling with some areas where I don’t. The real change is that I am choosing to pursue areas of deep care. It is not given that the people you meet will invest in you. However, investment is deserved (both ways). So, if you’re reading this, then please invest in the relationships of people that you care for. Make plans, share songs, or give them a call.
Connect with the people you love.